The internet ain’t giving no chill to Katt williams after being rolled on by a kid

Katt

Katt Williams just got beat up by a reported 17-year-old, and already the internet has lost its goddamn mind.

If you haven’t seen the video yet, check it out below to feel a strange concoction of hilarity and sorrow for a comedian on obvious behavioral health hard times.

Because of the cringe-worthy scuffle, Katt’s face is blowing up in memes to describe the low points of life and general confusion. I suppose those are the most relatable situations for the look produced by a grown-ass-little-man put in the dirt by a child.  Here are just a handful that have struck me as noteworthy representations of everyday life.

Within a few hours, numerous updates were added to Katt’s Wikipedia Page, most notably:

“Katt Williams lost everything he owned on March 23rd, 2016 when a video of him losing a fight to a seventh grader surfaced on social media. That seventh grader now owns everything he had (those are the rules).”

Or my favorite:

“on March 23rd, 2016 a video surfaced where it appears Katt was given the WWE smackdown treatment by a 7th grader. Subsequently, he lost all respect from anyone that still had some for him.”

These have (unfortunately) since been changed.

According to TMZ, Law enforcement sources stated that police have reviewed the video and have launched a criminal investigation with Katt as the target. Williams, who is also on bail for multiple assault charges, is currently out on bail but one of the conditions is that he “keeps his nose clean.” The police are also reviewing the bail order to determine if he violated and whether bail should be revoked.

…I’m going to assume sucker punching a teenager counts as a breach of his bail agreement.

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Cutting off fingers, STDs, and other wonderful things we’d consider for student loan forgiveness

Graduates in Cap and Gown --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis via flickr Creative Commons
Graduates in Cap and Gown — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis via flickr Creative Commons

Apparently, I’m not the only student debtor who would maim themselves in exchange for loan forgiveness. Better yet, some would rather move to a constantly war-torn country for life just to rid themselves of student debt.

From a recent survey of 513 graduated student loan borrowers, 56 percent of respondents would get decked in the face by Mike Tyson if it meant no more student loan payments. Maybe they assumed this would be modern Tyson and not 1997, crazy ass biting Holyfield’s ear off Tyson? Perhaps. But, slightly over 6 percent would straight up cut off their pinky for a debt free life. Which to me shows a potentially lucrative black market exchange program of body parts for Sallie Mae credit.

LendEDU, a marketplace for student loans and student loan refinance, published their findings in February 2016.  LendEDU stated, “the results of our survey are fun, surprising, and demonstrate the lengths that Americans may go to payoff their debt.”

Here are the reported responses:

  • 57.89 percent of borrowers would give up all social media for life
  • 57.11 percent of borrowers would give up coffee for life
  • 56.73 percent of borrowers would take a punch from Mike Tyson
  • 56.14 percent of borrowers would abstain from alcohol and drug use for life
  • 40.35 percent of borrowers would take one year off of their life expectancy
  • 35.67 percent of borrowers would give up texting for life
  • 28.07 percent of borrowers would name their first born daughter Sallie Mae
  • 20.47 percent of borrowers would wear the same outfit, every day, for life,
  • 6.47 percent of borrowers would cut off their pinky finger
  • 4.68 percent of borrowers would move to Syria for life
  • 4.09 percent of borrowers would contract a random sexually transmitted disease (STD) for life

Millennials, my generation fueled by cheap labored electronics and dank memes, are willing to give up social media and texting!?

American student debt is growing by $2,726 every second. It’s an immense problem that now impacts our social structure. For instance, the American Student Assistance (ASA) reported that college-related debt has influenced 29 percent of student loan borrowers to put off marriage and 43 percent of borrowers to delay starting a family.

In literal terms, the human-fucking-species is slowing down because of student loan debt.

“Student debt weighs on every decision I make, from food shopping, to where I choose to live, to how I spend my free time, to what clothes I wear, and ultimately, what career I choose.” – ASA survey respondent, 2013.

Aside from daydreams of finding a crossroads, summoning the devil, and trading my soul for a debt free status, I usually just fantasize about never going to college in the first place. Next to a house, a college degree is probably the most expensive thing someone my age will buy. Yet given the social norm and borderline expectation of attending college, it’s given a minimal amount of thought whether or not it’s the right choice. Would I work in my current field without my $27,000 piece of paper? Probably not. But, would that matter? Statistically speaking, shit no.

As reported by CNBC, a 2013 Gallup poll of 150,000 surveyed full and part-time workers found that 52 percent were disengaged and uninspired by their work. Even worse, roughly 18 percent of those surveyed actively hated their jobs enough to spread Squidward-status woe throughout the company. Gallup noted those belonging to the bluesy 18 percent cost the U.S. up to $550 billion annually in lost productivity.

After having some form of job for a decade, I’ve realized most gigs (not all) will feel like the music playing while placed on hold when calling a business. Sure it’s nice to have, and you definitely notice if it’s not there, but you don’t feel that J. Cole or Drake hypeness when jamming the top 10 tracks brought to you by U.S. Bank.

Some jobs come with free coffee in the break room, some come with opportunities to steal entire boxes of frozen popcorn shrimp, some let you drink after hours at the bar nearly free, most come with a new weed hook-up, but they all generally feel like waiting in line at the post office.  Of course, there are folks working true passions, or perhaps see the true value of their labor for society. But, unfortunately, these people are in a minority (30 percent according to the Gallup poll mentioned above).

A professor once told me in undergrad that eventually, a college degree will be worth what a high school degree was a generation ago. That was the point at which I should have dropped out and picked a reasonable profession like carpenter or electrician. Not only because trade or vocational schools are significantly more affordable AND come out with roughly the same pay compared to many four-year degrees, but also for their practicality. When are buildings or electricity ever going away? Hell, if I’m going to more or less loathe my job for the majority of my adult life, I might as well come in handy if society were to ever collapse.

3 reasons Bernie Sanders is the blackest presidential candidate

I know, it’s difficult to trust an old white man. Even still, sometimes I see Bernie Sanders and unconsciously dream of drop kicking him in the chest for the ghost of Rosa Parks. I get that.

But after I chill for a moment, and reflect on the potential candidates of the 2016 presidential bid, I push past the cognitive dissonance and realize Bernie Sanders is the blackest candidate we have. On rare occasions, we need an old white man to combat society’s villains. Think about it. Obi wan Kenobi, Dumbledore, Abolitionist John Brown, Gandalf. They were all old white men needed to combat their respective forces of evil. Let me iterate a few points going through my head this election cycle about Bernie Sanders.

He rolls with Killer Mike. The hip hop artist, who is currently using his clout to defend rap as free speech on a supreme court level, is feeling the Bern ( I must say, never would I have ever dreamed that the dude featured on Bone Crusher’s “Never Scared” would become a prominent social activist). This tells me one thing, Sanders is dank enough to converse with a rapper who is so beloved, folks threw money at just the chance to buy his parody album of cat noises.

In an interview with Senator Sanders, at a barber shop no less, Killer Mike noted that every barbershop has an honorary white guy.

“When I was growing up, it was Martin Luther King, Black Jesus, and John F. Kennedy,” Killer Mike said. “In my shop, you’re really about to get the heralded position of white guy. It’s going to be like, Martin, Malcolm, and Bernie.”

Bernie and Killer Mike
Still Photo from “Talking Shop w/ Bernie Sanders.” Killer Mike interviewed Bernie Sanders in December 2015. The discussion focused on issues facing the black community and America at Large. Via YouTube

That’s real talk.  No one else is talking about unemployed African Americans. No one else is talking about wealth inequality, a janky biased judicial system, police brutality…and if they are, the volume is about as loud as the anticipation for the 2016 Omarion album, Reasons (you didn’t know bruh was still making music either, don’t kid yourself). If Killer Mike is a representation of “real” hip-hop, the sort of hip-hop that is as Chuck D. once said “the black CNN,” then Bernie Sanders has a potential major backing from black culture.

He’s been doing black things way longer than you. It’s no lie, Sanders is old. If elected he’d smash the 69-year-old record of Ronald Reagan by roughly 6 years. He’s been around to experience first hand the rise and fall of Bill Cosby, the debut of the double down KFC “sandwich”, The Jerry Curl, every Shaft movie in theatres,  the word fleek, and was literally present for the renowned “I have a Dream” speech given by Martin Luther King Jr. in 1963.  

Sen. Sanders was also a member of the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE) back in the 1960s. This organization holds its significance right along SNCC, the SCLC and the NAACP as ass-kicking civil rights activist groups. I’m an African Humanities graduate and just assumed membership would have required organic blackness for validation. Sanders is like the real life old white jewish version of Robert Freeman. Only they’re not just stories, he’s really about that life, which brings me to my next point…

He ain’t a shook one. Bern Man has spit the same beliefs for 40 plus years. The keeping it 100 consistency is only rivaled by perhaps Charlamagne tha God, or maybe the assurance of $1 Arizona tea in a can. Money, political favors, and media spin fail to move Sanders from his lane. If you think Tech n9ne is independent, sit down and cop that real life, spitting “bars” against the system, Bernie album.  No other candidate this season, red or blue, has clapped back against major corporate political funding, wealth inequality, unequal power structures, and racial discrimination like Bernie Sanders.  

Case in point, in a recent debate with Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, Sanders speculated that Flint, Michigan’s water crisis may not have happened at such a severity if the community were a bit more pastey. Other political figures would roast under those words. Not Sanders.

When Black Lives Matter protesters stormed his rally last August in Seattle, Bernie calmly gave up the mic. He came back a few days later at a rally in L.A. with the same fire of Nas’ Either. Among other zealous statements made that night, he exclaimed, “There’s no president that will fight harder to end institutional racism.”

As the Guardian reported, “he told no jokes or anecdotes” at that L.A. rally. He simply  flooded the room with that raw, K-dot’s verse from Control, bang em over the head, I’m too upset for proper sentence structure because student debt is too damn high, why is Tyler Perry still making movies, typical Bernie Sanders swag. I respect that.

By the way, Sanders has a new ad out that features not only his vocal stance on racial profiling and unequal treatment from police, but none other than the daughter of Eric Garner, Erica Garner, to bring home that point.

As I’ve said, its tough looking past the old white skin and seeing a little flavor. But, ever since Hillary Clinton was caught pandering to latino grandmothers or whatever the hell her campaign was trying to do with that article titled  “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela,” I’ve been looking for a candidate that would reserve a seat for people of color at the dinner of social policy. I believe Sen. Bernie Sanders is that cat. He’s not pandering to a voting block, he’s as Nina Turner said, “Reminding Big Mama down the street, or Mr. Jones up the street that they have voice.” Sanders rides with the people against a historically unequal system, economically and otherwise. And I’m just going out on a limb here in assuming he too would have chosen Kendrick over Drake just like Obama did.

Redskins QB Kirk Cousins Proclaims the Hot Dog a Sandwich – “They gotta be, right? It’s between two pieces of bread.”

Kirk Cousins returned to Reddit for an AMA (Ask Me Anything)—and his answers were full of life-changing revelations about boy bands, breakfast foods, and the taxonomical status of hot dogs.

Source: Redskins QB Kirk Cousins Proclaims the Hot Dog a Sandwich – “They gotta be, right? It’s between two pieces of bread.”

“Straight Outta Options” depicts presidential candidates thug af in a way I never knew I needed

Tired of watching a presidential run of regurgitated hate, questionable brain surgeon credentials, obvious toupee denial, and talks of email like it’s the year 2000?

Thankfully, someone had the foresight to create a hip-hop parody of the infamous “Straight Outta Compton” by NWA to sum up every the POV of every notable 2016 presidential candidate. From a throwback joke of Sen. Marco Rubio’s klutzy water break, to Donald Trump’s golden soundbite of big wall talk, “Straight Outta Options”, as it’s called, makes watching a debate seem redundant now.

Written by Ross Everett and Josh Niehaus, the parody video just beat  Ted Cruz’s awkward rejection from his own daughter for my new favorite from the campaign trail. Now that the Iowa Caucus is behind us, most of the candidates in this video are sure to drop out soon. So take this time to remember the absurdity a full roster of candidates could bring to the American Public.

As a long-time hip-hop head, and heavy mock gang-sign flashing, feeling way cooler than I really am, listener of NWA, I have to take my bandana off to the writers. There’s plenty of cadence matching the original, and the overall structure is pretty similar to the NWA classic.

Side Note- Tay Zonday, the “Chocolate Rain” YouTube personality? He plays the narrator in the song. I googled him to make sure I spelt his name correct. That dude is 33! Thirty-three!…Thirty-three… How, Sway?

This gorilla understands climate change better than the Republican party

Depending on who is asked, the results of the recent 2015 U.N. Climate Change Conference either filled spectators with the joy of Environmental God  Bill Mckibben drop kicking a mascot dressed up to look like the Keystone XL Pipeline, or with the apathy of well, nearly any other climate summit.

But, there were two vital things (indirectly) learned from the 2015 Conference of the Parties (Cop 21):

First, apes–specifically gorillas in this case– have enough understanding of human society that they can communicate pretty damn well with sign language. But secondly, and more importantly, gorillas have enough human communication down to side with climate scientists in calling humanity stupid (the gorilla’s words, not mine) for trashing the planet into oblivion. Which means…Literal monkeys could do a better job at climate legislation than the GOP party.

Thanks to the conservation organization Noé, Koko the gorilla was able to send her own message to the nations attending the climate summit earlier last month. In her message, Koko urges humanity to “Fix Earth, Help Earth” and to hurry. Koko tells her viewers that she loves Earth and loves humans, but nevertheless, humans are stupid with natural resource management (but with outstanding character, Koko apologizes for the name calling). At the end of her message, she thanks the leaders for working to protect the nature Koko represents.

According to the Gorilla Foundation, the “video was made with footage of Koko reacting after she has been informed about what is at stake at COP21”. After Koko was informed about the the issues of climate change, she was allowed to improvise. The video has been edited for brevity and continuity.

Reducing emissions through responsible forest management came out with a major win at the Paris summit in which I like to imagine Koko and a blue bear had a few cheers over.  As The Conversation US reported, “ the climate change agreement adopted by 195 countries in Paris raised the profile of forests in ways never seen before.”

Some highlights include heavily biodiverse nations such as Madagascar agreeing to restore 100 million hectares of forest by 2030. In addition, developed nations were encouraged to support REDD (Reducing Emissions from Deforestation and Forest Degradation in Developing Countries) tactics by compensating developing nations for forest protection. Overall, the tie between greenhouse gas emissions and deforestation was finally made strong at the Paris climate summit, and it seems countries are finally doing something about it.

Above all, Koko understands the severity of climate change better than every presidential candidate from the Republican party. Name calling these conservative candidates monkeys, chimps or apes due to their buffoonery is apparently a disservice to our fellow primates. Donald Trump can’t even tell the difference between weather and climate while Ted Cruz stated that climate change is more of a religion than a science.

Prior to the the summit, GOP politicians tried to discourage international cooperation in Paris by arguing that the U.S. won’t keep up its end of the bargain if a Republican wins the 2016 presidential election.  A simple fix for this I suppose would be to elect a gorilla over any Republican party candidate. What a year the 2016 political campaign season will be when a talking gorilla can outwit half of the electoral choice.